Why Bon Jovi Is Better Than Radiohead
I'm not gonna bullshit you, bro. Bon Jovi is way better than Radiohead. On so many levels.
Right now, you probably think Bon Jovi are a bunch of old buttrockers. You probably also think Radiohead are the second fucking coming.
But the way I see it? Bon Jovi are epically invincible stadium ROCK GODS. As for Radiohead, well, they are just pretentious crybabies with millions of moolah tucked up in the bank.
But wait, allow me to prove my point with ACTUAL STATZ AND FACTZ! As come the end of this bloody battle, I am quite sure you will agree: Bon Jovi > Radiohead.
Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi have more hair.
Bon Jovi have sold more records. 130 million records, to be specific. Last we heard, Radiohead were pushing 20 million.
Jon Bon Jovi smells better than Thom Yorke.
Bon Jovi have a bigger touring gross. 2010's The Circle Tour topped $200 million. This year, Radiohead made $22 million...lol.
Bon Jovi basically invented karaoke (seriously, when did you last sing “Subterranean Homesick Alien” at your local bar?).
Richie Sambora taught Jonny Greenwood everything he knows.
Bon Jovi has better tattoos (uh, hello, Jon has the Superman logo on his left bicep). Radiohead have no ink, as far as we are aware. And that's because they are pussies.
Bon Jovi can fly. Case in point.
Bon Jovi have groupies.
Jon Bon Jovi has a more successful solo career than Thom Yorke.
Jon Bon Jovi has a more successful acting career than Thom Yorke.
Two words: Heather Locklear.
Jon Bon Jovi: Future Governor of New Jersey?
Total “wins”: 13
Radiohead:
Radiohead challenge the music industry with “pay what you want” albums. Bon Jovi can only challenge the culinary industry with “pay what you want” restaurants.
Radiohead roadies don't give backstage access in exchange for blow jobs.
Thom Yorke can hold his breath for longer than Jon Bon Jovi.
Radiohead's The King of Limbs was the fifth biggest selling vinyl of 2011. Bon Jovi are yet to realise the format is back in fashion.
Thom Yorke dances better than Jon Bon Jovi.
Radiohead's music expands minds. Bon Jovi's music expands dongs.
Radiohead sound better in 8-bit.
Radiohead are one of the most important artists of the 20th and 21st centuries, combined. But, you know, whatever.
Total “wins”: 8
HA! So there we have it! Bon Jovi are OFFICIALLY better than Radiohead, with 13 “wins” to Radiohead's 8!
The rock stars have whupped the emos' asses!
Still disagree with me? Well you're just gonna have to deal with it, as it's my life (it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive).
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