Indie Posers: Five Hype Fail Tracks
by Jess Grant
9/27/12
Wassup and welcome to LA Music Blog BitCandy's Posers column! If you're a regular reader, you know the deal, but if you're a n00b (where ya been bro?), allow me to explain how this weekly column works. We scan the blogosphere for those SHITASTIC tracks that music blogs have been hyping up for no reason WHATSOEVER... and then we bring them here to the slaughter.
I mean, hey, these music blogs know as well as we do that ALL these songs are going in one direction: THE LANDFILL! But they simply don't have the balls to tell you that. Luckily, we do! Wait -checks-. Yes, we definitely do!
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Frank Ocean “Blue Whale”
Come on. For some dude who is supposed to be hip hop's Second Coming, this song is TOTALLY sub par! Plus, he's singing about screwing chicks, again. Dafuk going on, Frank?!
WHY? “Strawberries”
So I REALLY wanted to like this song... but I don't. Leave the whistling to Flo Rida or Adam Levine. (Actually, uh, don't.) Why you make me wanna take a sleep, WHY? Why is this in Hype Machine's Top 10, WHY? Why, WHY? Okay I'm done.
How to Dress Well "& It Was U"
How to Dress Well gives us another fucking lesson in How to Write White Bro R&B and Fail... Miserably. Enough already!
Ex-Easter Island Head "Mallet Guitars Two Second Movement"
I wish I could bullshit you and say this instrumental evokes the “carefully digitized mechanics of an old steam train” (to quote a CERTAIN music blog). But, in reality, it really is just a pretentious pile of POOP that you will never plan on listening to again in your whole entire LIFE!
King Krule "Octopus"
Oops, sounds like King Krule can't live up to the hype every single music blog (except us) kicked up a few months back! Seriously, I'd rather have a conversation with an empty chair (Clint Eastwood stylee) that listen to this mundane motherfunker
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Well, thanks for tuning into us here at LA Music Blog, BitCandy, who have been telling shit like it is since forever! We hope you dig our Poser picks. But if “YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!” well you are just gonna have to listen to President Obama and...
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